Herpes should never be forgotten

Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving, but I guess if you reach 3,000 career hits in baseball all is forgiven. Jeter has 3,000 hits after almost 11,000 plate appearances, proving that baseball is a sport of failure and who can fail the best. We celebrate this 27% success rate of Jeter despite his herpes. Fuck that. If anything we should hate this dude for making smoke shows like Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, and of course the lovely Mariah damaged goods. His passing on of herpes probably has a much higher success rate than his hitting statistics and I believe that should not be overlooked.

The Worst Actor Ever

I just finished watching The Rock with Nicolas Cage and I couldn’t help but notice two things. The first was how much better it would have been with someone else playing his role, I mean it’s a good movie but that dude is a joke. He has a few good movies but the shit that he has put out a majority of his career far outweighs them. I watched The Wicker Man… that movie made me want to kill myself. His dude was supposed to play Mickey Rourke’s part in The Wrestler, thank god that the producers or whoever was behind that movie changed their minds. The thought of Nicolas “the cage match” Cage playing that role almost made me piss my pants. The second thing was there is no way this guy has any money left, and sure as shit I pulled up yahoo and the first thing it says is “Stars in Foreclosure” with a picture of Cage’s ugly face. Turns out the guy has foreclosed on two houses in New Orleans. It’s lovely there; the food alone is worth the trip. I also found out that he has like 10 homes one of which as 12 bedrooms and an island up for sale. I don’t know about you but I was stunned that Nicolas Cage has enough friends to need a house with 12 bedrooms.

-Men

Called It

That’s right I call the Rangers scoring 7 goals on Wednesday night. Now am I the next Nostradamus? I don’t know, maybe I’m certainly not discounting the theory. Matter of fact if I was a betting man that’s where I would be putting a large portion of my chips if not all of them. I mean Nostradamus had like visions and shit, that kind of stuff happens to me all the time. The best part of the night besides being 100% right was my man Mats Zuccarello scored the 7^th goal. When you put this little Norwegian bastard on ice he is a combination of Elijah Wood from Lord of the Rings and Elijah Wood from Green Street Hooligans. I could not have picked a better person to score that goal. The night was not all good though the Rangers scored 7 goals. Which could only mean they shot their load all over the place and probability wont score more then one goal in any of their next 10 games.

-Men

Epic Storytellers of Our Time

Has anyone sat at home and watched the HBO 24/7 series and just thought "shit that dude's voice is fucking awesome and he can be the one to tell of my trials and tribulations at my funeral", cuz I have, a lot. So much so that I have compiled a list of my favorite TV show narrators and have weighed their worthiness to narrate this rock and roll lifestyle which I live.

First off is Liev Schreiber. I bet you didn't though the dude with the epic voiceovers on HBO 24/7 was motherfucking Sabretooth in X-Men and THE Manchurian Candidate (mind-blowing movie). If I'm lucky enough maybe he can brain wash everyone with his tender voice into thinking my life was actually worth something. Now if watching "America: The Story of US" didn't give me a big enough boner, this dudes voice put me over the edge (if you catch my drift...seriously I came in my pants).

Next is the man who simply goes as Raphael, or his real name Lloyd Sherr, which totally sucks and I don't blame him for changing it to Raphael, even though that ninja turtle sucks. You may recognize his voice from the History Channel and his narration of Modern Marvels, the dude has such class that he narrates a show on Viagra and genetically-engineered penises with the same grace as he would talking about mining equipment. Straight up baller.

Finally is Morgan Freeman, epic voice but something is telling me he's not too trustworthy. Did you not see Bruce Almighty and how he played God like a dick? Only if the first two are seriously injured or have from a serious injury can Morgan Freeman narrate my life. I almost feel as if he will narrate it with the professionalism I strive so hard every day to project.

Best Text of the Week

"Im at a bar by the garden for happy hour before the game. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses. Hot. Rangers vs Habs. Slaughter."

From the very talented Dylan Giebler


-Men

Jersey Fucking SHore

Oh my god, it's only the first episode of Jersey Shore this season and can someone make that new bitch bite the curb already? Holy shit this chick is annoying as hell.

Mother Fucking Russia

Earlier this week the Russian junior hockey team won the gold medal in the World Championships beating Canada 5-3. Afterwards was when the real party started, when they showed up at the airport for their flight out of town blackout drunk trying to get on the plane. Some observations:

1. That’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever heard

2. They are so lucky that we won the Cold War because 25 years ago that shit would not fly. Back in the 80s when Reagan was doing his thing and the great U.S. of A was taking down Mother Russia that place sucked. It was cold all the time and they wore those funny looking hats and marched in the streets with rockets and shit. That’s not baller to me. Look how cool Russia is now, they’re getting drunk and kicked off American planes and the girls are so hot that it really wouldn’t be a bad place to take your talents if you’re asking me. We all know who to thank USA, USA, USA.

-Men