To Do List For 2011

1) Cure a disease (dog herpes)
2) Teach Kreepy how to read
3) Kill Kreepy
4) Successfully pull off a switch-a-roo
5) Go to Atlantic City and walk away from the tables while I'm still up
6) Change the dead batteries in at least one of the watches that I own and yet continue to wear
7) Get a tattoo for strictly comedic reasons
8) Go on a horseback ride or go ice skating
9) Shave pubic hair
10) Write a screenplay
11) Get a job (HA)
12) Grow an inch and a half
13) Take a girl's virginity, and then give it back
14) Buy a new pair of boots ($40 limit)
15) Polish off an entire celebratory crave case with TJ after our switch-a-roo


...more to follow


-Men

Agreeing with someone from Pennsylvania? Suprisingly yes.

Now don't get me wrong, I hate almost everything that comes from the state of Pennsylvania, Sidney Crosy, Cliff Lee, Michael Vick, and Philly fans but I love what the governor of Pennsylvania had to say about the Eagles Vikings game being postponed. Gov. Ed Rendell was interviewed on a local Philly station and he sounded off a bit about the game being moved.
"I think we've become wussies. ... We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything. If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? People would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked and they would have been doing calculus on the way down."
I can't agree more with him. Since when has the NFL been concerned with the safety of the fans getting to the game? For decades there have been football games played in blizzards and horrible weather and all of a sudden this year they decide to postpone the game. Football is a man's game meant to be played in all kinds of weather, that's what makes the game great, that's why people watch. This also is a setback for the supporters of a cold weather Super Bowl and an 18 game season. If they cancel a game in late December because of snow, how are they going to play a game in February when there are thousands of travelers in the NY area for the big game? Or later in the year if they institute an 18 game season.
As a country we need to man up and stop being a bunch of pussies, this is why we're declining as a world superpower and no one takes us seriously anymore.

-Men

Fuck You...

Giants.



-Men

Miracle on Hamilton Road

Christmas Eve 2010 is the day my dog, Jenny, and I saved a sixty five year old woman from a frosty death. After a long night of drinking I woke up this morning to the sound of Jenny barking up a storm in the front of my house where she was tied up to a post. So I rolled out of bed to go see what was so important that Jenny could not shut up. I think it should be said that Jenny is a very very quiet dog who hardly ever barks. As I stepped outside Jenny was barking towards my neighbor’s house, this house has been vacant for a week because my neighbors moved out and the house has yet to be sold. I looked over and saw a skinny old woman hunched over sitting on the stoop to the house with grocery bags all over the front law. I ran over and asked the lady if she was OK, to which she responded that she was out for a walk and just started feeling woozy and weak. She asked me if I could drive her the rest of the way to her house. Clearly this woman was in distress, so I got my mother and we helped the old woman into our house and laid her down on the couch. We asked her exactly what she was feeling and used the Internet to determine that she might be having a heart attack. We called her an ambulance and sent her to the hospital. Some eight hours later we got a call from the woman’s husband, he thanked us and also told us that she indeed was having a heart attack and if she had taken any longer to get to the hospital she would have required open-heart surgery. Because of Jenny this woman got to go home tonight fully recovered. That my friends, is a Christmas Eve miracle.

-Men

what?

i wish santa actually existed, that'd be pretty boss. imagine one dude doing that in one night. dope.

-Men

Quote of the Night

Last night while at a bar our friend James "Glubin (GLoo-bin)" Subin said to a girl:

"Caitlin, you have almost 100% perfect skin."

And that is the quote of the night.

-Men

Woof.

If you cant make eye contact its because you are either intimidated or smitten. You have to make eye contact, stare into their eyes. Jenny (my dog) could not make eye contact with me, so that must be the sign of a good dog. I guarantee that any dog that is considered a really “good” dog could not stare you in the eyes. Problem dogs that are aggressive and/or unruly, I believe, will stare you in the eye for expended period of time. These dogs will not listen to commands from their owners because they believe they have a higher social status than their owners. You must make eye contact because this can also be easily compared to how girls will respond to eye contact. If you don’t show eye contact and are darting your eyes all around the bar, then the girl will assume you are intimidated/smitten and she will then have the upper hand. The converse is also true. If you notice that a girl is unable to make eye contact with you for an extended period of time (2-4 seconds) she is then intimidated/smitten. Therefore, eye contact is the key.

Amar'e Stoudemire: The Hardest Nigga in the NBA

Now before anyone starts going crazy about how Knick fans are counting their chickens before they hatch with the "M-V-P" chants at Garden games, think about this. The Knicks haven't finished with a winning record in almost 10 years. Before the end of October when this team really started to click, the hadn't played .500 ball in almost 2 years. There is a reason for this ridiculous turnaround, besides Gallinari forgoing gelling his hair before games now, and it's off -season acquisition Amar'e Stoudemire. The dude is crazy. I've never seen him play on a regular basis with him being out west before this, but the guy is amazing. He does everything, besides play shutdown defense (but who on the Knicks actually does that anyway), the guy will posterize an unfortunate individual on the other team on what seems like a regular basis and then sinks mid-range jumpers like a boss. I don't think I've ever seen him miss a shot from the elbow. Now we all knew he was good and in the beginning of the season the team had lost like 8 straight games and it didn't looked pretty. Then Amar'e started to put the team on his back and they're a legitimate 6th seed in the Eastern Conference. Lately Amar'e has been playing out of his mind, 9 straight 30+ points a game, including last nights 39 (almost 42) performance that personified New York basketball being back. Now we can't forget about his supporting cast. Playing 40+ minutes a game, Raymond Felton is running the offense and pick and roll with Amar'e and having a great year. I believe him and Amar'e still have the most average PPG than any other forward/point guard combination in the league. Gallinari has been playing well as of late and possibly playing himself into trade bait with the Denver Nuggets. Landry Fields is playing like a legitimate Rookie of the Year candidate and is just a sparkplug for this team. Now I'm off to go on a 3 day binge that hopefully includes me being blackout drunk watching the Knicks play the Heat tomorrow night at MSG.

-Men

PS If you don't get the title, watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1P0yfq2wDvU

Why Dogs Are Better Than Cats

I'm sick of people thinking cats are cool pets, I'd rather own a friggin opossum than a fucking sociopath kitty. Here is why dogs are better than cats:

1) Dogs are social: They want to be part of the party, cats just plot how to kill you in your sleep while they chill under the couch.
2) You can pet a dog: I love petting my dog vigorously, whenever I pet a cat I feel like I'm gunna break its ribs if i press too hard.
3) Dogs are people pets: Your dog will adapt to you and your lifestyle, cats make their owners adapt to them.
4) Dogs bring you what you want: Up there is a picture of my dog bringing me a 12 of bud (shes a bro) she also brings me tennis balls and ropes on request. She even skims the top of my pool when I'm trimming surrounding trees. Cats just bring mice, rats, and dead birds...wtf?
5) Dogs have variety: Is it just me or is every cat exactly the same?
6) Dogs have personality: Is it just me or is every cat exactly the same?
7) Every cat is exactly the same.
8) Dogs are smart: I've never seen a cat leading a blind dude around, or perform more adorable tricks that Hudson.
9) Dogs work for people: Lets see a cat do this. Enough Said
10) Dogs Love: No matter what you do to your dog, it will always love you. Cats are full of judgment
11) Cats ride the short bus: 95% of cats are mentally retarded.
12) Dogs Smile: Dogs are always happy, cats have a permament scowl on their smug little faces.
13) Cats are prison gay: Every male cat is gay. Especially if two male cats live together. They never see other girl cats and resort to homosexuality, they are always licking themselves and each other, spooning in the window, criticizing how i dress...so queer.
14) Cats are dirty: They are like that kid who comes to school sick and just has to touch everything. They are always walking on everything in the house and touching everything they can with their paws, dogs like the ground. Plus when was the last time a dog got stuck in a tree?
15) The most important reason why dogs are better than cats: Best case scenario, you get the smartest cat in the whole world....it still shits in your house.


-Men

The Best...AROOUNND

For some odd reason I have never heard those ESPN so called experts ever even mention that the Giants have the best defensive ends in the NFL. I've heard these analysts gush all over duos like Freeney and Mathis over in Indy, and they all suck Julius Pepper's big black cock, but they never mention that the truly best defensive end pairing wears Big Blue every Sunday. Next Sunday these two beautiful monsters will be chasing Mike "Prison Showers" Vick up and down the gridiron at the New Meadowlands Stadium. The 7 on his jersey is just a huge bulls-eye for these two raging lunatics. If you're like me, when I saw Justin Tuck slow to get up last week I almost shit my pants, but the smiling and laughing by Osi afterward calmed my bowels. We truly got to see the tag team duo in action when Tuck hit Tavaris Jackson low and Osi got him high. These two guys are truly having fun playing the game and are both the leaders in the locker room, as proven by their halftime speeches. If we make it to the playoffs and beyond it is going to be because of these two men. On and off the field these two are the best. They are always enhancing their game (Osi with the run, Tuck even dropping in coverage) as well as mentoring young talent like Jason Pierre-Paul. These men are playing like the spirit of Lawrence Taylor is on their back, whose words mean more this Sunday than ever before when he said, "Hey baby, lets go out there like a bunch f crazed dogs!" (45 seconds in).


-Men

So... Sal Alosi Issss Kind Of A Dick

As if the world doesn't hate the Jets enough already, they are taking cheap shots at unaware players? The Jets' strength and conditioning coach, Sal Alosi, tripped the Dolphins gunner, Nolan Carroll, on a punt return today with the camera right on him. If you were watching the game it wasn't even a question whether this was intentional or not. The dickhead stuck his knee out while standing on the sideline and tripped Nolan Carroll. The Dolphins want Alosi fired but sources say that is unlikely because of how much Rex Ryan respects and likes Alosi, HA, classic Rex Ryan douche move. Who do these Jets think they are? You know this dude is 'roided up more than Jose Canseco, being the Jets strength and conditioning coach at all, yet it's unlikely he is going to get fired? Good, lets keep him around so that the next time he gets pissed he can just knock a cheerleader out with folding chair or something. The Jets are born losers and this is hard evidence of that.




-Men

Giant Game

Well the New York Football Giants will not be playing this Sunday and turns out they wont be playing in the Metrodome tomorrow. The Metrodome roof collapsed last night under the weight of the snow. Now I've dabbled in some civil engineering, and all I can ask is why would anyone want to work in place where snow can collapse a roof of something you built? It's just going to make you look like shit. These bros need to smarten up and move some place warm. As for the game just give the Giants the win and Brett Favre the start that way we don't have to waste time playing the game and everyone in attendance does not have to witness a murder.

-Men

Oh No They Didn't

You better believe that when the Raiders are getting 4 points from the Jaguars, this man is going to take that road dog all day. This beautifully inked up jungle bunny is going to lead the way. Darren McFadden is going to lead the Raiders past the first place Jaguars tomorrow in the upset of the week. That of course means that if the Matt Cassel-less Chiefs lose to the Chargers than the Oakland Raiders will be one game out of first place with three weeks to play. Read that sentence over again and let it sink in. That's right, the Raiders are dangerously close to riding Matt Cassel's appendix all the way to a playoff appearance. Who woulda thunk it? All they need to do is take care of business in Jacksonville and they are well on their way, and our wallets might get a little thicker.


-Men

Promiscuously Clean

I recently had a scare and thought his penis was sick. After days of reading STD forums as well as pamphlets from Health Services, I felt the responsible thing to do would be to get tested. All the other men thought I was a tard (fuck that yo). However the test came back negative so all is well, back to my old promiscuous ways I guess (I'm feeling lucky). I would just like to extend my warnings to all of you, don't freak out, what are the odds right? What scared me is that I had no symptoms and the first symptom for most STDs is USUALLY SHOWS NO SYMPTOMS. THATS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD, na mean? Well anyway, at least I can say that I am the only one of the men that knows for a FACT he does not have any diseases that are commonly contracted through sexual contact. It feels good to be CLEAN.


-Clean Men

ManCave Report

Welcome to the weekend everyone.

Here's the ManCave report: I am doing what all men love right now... drinking alone and watching sports and The Office. There is one problem, Colin on Sports Nation, when talking about Rajon Rondo, said for a point guard it is all about leading the league in assists and not about doing the dougie. It's a little bit about doing the dougie.

Have fun kids

-Men

Andy Bernard-The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Andy "The Nard Dog" Bernard, better known as Boner Jams by his A Capella group Here Comes Trouble, has turned into the Cosmo Kramer of the Office (minus the raging racism). He is a man of humble origins, born to the name Walter Bernard Jr. until his younger brother was born whom his parents felt better exemplified the Walter Jr. name and was then named Andrew, a name his parents found in a baby book. Andy Bernard attended Cornell University where he met his roommate ButtMudd Brooks, as well as his friends and fellow A Capella singers: Broccoli Rob, Scooter 1 and Scooter 2. While in Cornell when the Nard Dog wasn't singing unimcumbered by instruments he was getting wicked hammered, his nickname was puke. He would chug a fifth of soco, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more soco, head to class. He probably would have gotten expelled if he had let it affect his grades, but he aced all his courses. They called him Ace. It was totally awesome. He got straight B's. They called him Buzz. After he graduated Cornell he landed a sweet gig at a paper company called Dunder Mifflin in The Stanford Connecticut branch. There is were he met long time friend Jim Halpert who he quickly and brilliantly nicknamed Big Tuna. After Stanford got shut down he was transferred to Scranton Pennsylvania, where the real fun began. Andy immediately got in good with the boss by singing What Is Love for boss Michael Scott on the spot, also unencumbered by instruments. Just as quickly he fell out of the bosses favor for being annoying and creepy. Michael Scott has been quoted as saying, "Andy Bernard, Pros: He went to Cornell, I trust him, Cons: I really don't trust him." Bernard then spent a brief stint in Anger Management after putting a hole in the wall of the office with his fist. Andy came back and became a low key man, besides getting engaged to Angela Martin, a woman who wouldnt sleep with him because she was sleeping with Dwight Kurt Schrute (but that is a story all for itself). Andy Bernard is still working at Dunder Mifflin and has been rumored to have been romantically involved with a new secretary. We will leave you with some memberable Nard Dog quotes.

Jim: I just blew a sales call!
Andy Bernard: Bro, I do that all the time.

Andy Bernard: Andy Bernard does not lose contests, he wins them, or he quits them because they are unfair.

Andy Bernard: [about Angela] You need to set me up with her. I know she told you she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.
Pam: What moves?
Andy Bernard: I moonwalked past accounting like, ten times.

Andy Bernard: For the record, I prefer women. But off the record, I'm kinda confused.

Andy Bernard: You give me a gift? *BAM* Thank you note! You invite me somewhere? *POW* RSVP! You do me a favor? *WHAM* Favor returned! Do not test my politeness.

Andy Bernard: I'm petrified of nipple chaffing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle... you have sensitive nipples, they chaff, so they become more sensitive, so they chaff more. So I take precautions.





-Men

you know what really grinds my gears?

the year is 2010 and rice pilaf from the box takes 25 minutes. what the hell is that? the rest of my dinner takes 10 minutes to make and i gotta sit around and wait for the rice to cook. that really grinds my gears.