Mother Fucking Russia

Earlier this week the Russian junior hockey team won the gold medal in the World Championships beating Canada 5-3. Afterwards was when the real party started, when they showed up at the airport for their flight out of town blackout drunk trying to get on the plane. Some observations:

1. That’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever heard

2. They are so lucky that we won the Cold War because 25 years ago that shit would not fly. Back in the 80s when Reagan was doing his thing and the great U.S. of A was taking down Mother Russia that place sucked. It was cold all the time and they wore those funny looking hats and marched in the streets with rockets and shit. That’s not baller to me. Look how cool Russia is now, they’re getting drunk and kicked off American planes and the girls are so hot that it really wouldn’t be a bad place to take your talents if you’re asking me. We all know who to thank USA, USA, USA.

-Men

Nice tits

Check out this sweet picture of Cliff Lee's wife, tickle my balls anytime.

-Men

Megamillions

So tonight the Megamillions lotto for $355 million goes off again. Here are some ideas for what we here would do with the money...
1. buy new suits with fashion advice from Sean Avery
2. buy the New York Islanders and move them to Puerto Rico
3. buy OJ's white Ford Bronco and drive to the Canadian border
4. buy floor seats for the Knicks and get involved in an altercation with Spike Lee throwing hot dogs at opposing players
5. buy Oakdale and demolish it
6. do something to cause a third Crusade
7. pay models to go on dates with us
8. get blackout drunk at the Victoria's Secret fashion show
9. become a booster for a top college football program and pay recruits to attain as many NCAA violations to deserve the death penalty
10. do it again at another school
11. pay Cam Newton for his Heisman trophy and give it to Reggie Bush
12. fix the World Series
13. buy a baby and flip it for a profit
14. write a book worthy of the Oprah Book Club
15. get rub and tugs
16. bring the Italian mafia back to the glory days
17. own a room specifically for glory holes
18. go to a strip club with Tiger Woods
19. bring our talents to South Beach
20. call LeBron James a mean word (you know what I'm talking about)
21. absorb a punch from LeBron James
22. buy a town and rename it Pipe City
23. trademark Pipe City
24. cure cancer....actually never mind, those are decisions best left up to the suits in Washington
25. buy Hansen a high class escort
26. buy a bar and live our lives like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
27. hire the narrator for HBO's 24/7 to commentate our lives constantly
28. find the book
29. publish the book
30. hangout with Carbone
31. find out who would actually win in a fight, Mike Ditka or Hurricane Ditka
32. find sugar mamas
33. pay for Ed's tuition to go to an SEC school

Why Does Your House Make So Much Noise?

I don't get it, houses make so many random noises even when everyone in the house is asleep. I never know whats going on in the walls. I have realized there are only two times you even notice these random noises or even care about them. The first is when you are home alone in a big house trying to go to sleep. Every little noise is definitely somebody breaking in, or the house is falling down. The only other time, and probably the more severe of the two, that these noises effect you is when you are home with your entire family family asleep and you are trying to make sexy time with a special little lady, especially if you have a dog. Getting caught with your pants down by your mommy is no fun experience, believe you me. All you wanna do is have a teeny bit of consensual sex, but you are home not in your college apartment (thunder dome if you will). The trip to pipe city is a reckless and nerve racking experience due to the cock blocking noises of your home. This is of course a general post and in no way is about a specific moment in history. See you at happy hour.



-Men

People Whose Only Text Message At Midnight On New Years Eve Was Their Mom:

1) Billy Sena
2) James Subin
3) Caroline Meere

Worst Jobs For Stoners

1) Drug Dealer
2) Air Traffic Controller
3) Bp Oil Rig Technician
4) Buckingham Palace Guard
5) Bee Keeper
6) Princess Diana's Driver........too soon?


-Men

Bathroom attendants

Without question the one thing I hate most in life is when bars have that dude in the bathroom handing out paper towels for when you wash your hands. It’s always the same dude too, this midget Mexican guy who is working seven days a week getting paid only with tips so he can bring his family to this country and get them out of that shit hole they live in. You feel so bad for this guy that you have to tip him, and I have a hard enough time tipping a bartender for making me wait 15 minutes for a beer because I don’t have tits. Why do you even need these guys? I’m 21 years old I think I know how to wash my hands without someone watching me to make sure I’m doing it right. The only real reason for these guys is to make sure you don’t have people blowing chunks all over the place, which sucks because that’s limiting your ability to get violently drunk and truly enjoy an open bar. Last night the bar I was at had one of these jabronis, now I’m not going to say what color his skin was but he was really, really lazy. Dude sat there on his phone all night like he was hot shit and too good to be there… bro you work in a fucking bathroom, it smells like shit get off your high horse and stop judging me for not tipping your broke ass it’s not my fault you didn’t make it to the NBA.

-Men