Herpes should never be forgotten

Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving, but I guess if you reach 3,000 career hits in baseball all is forgiven. Jeter has 3,000 hits after almost 11,000 plate appearances, proving that baseball is a sport of failure and who can fail the best. We celebrate this 27% success rate of Jeter despite his herpes. Fuck that. If anything we should hate this dude for making smoke shows like Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, and of course the lovely Mariah damaged goods. His passing on of herpes probably has a much higher success rate than his hitting statistics and I believe that should not be overlooked.

The Worst Actor Ever

I just finished watching The Rock with Nicolas Cage and I couldn’t help but notice two things. The first was how much better it would have been with someone else playing his role, I mean it’s a good movie but that dude is a joke. He has a few good movies but the shit that he has put out a majority of his career far outweighs them. I watched The Wicker Man… that movie made me want to kill myself. His dude was supposed to play Mickey Rourke’s part in The Wrestler, thank god that the producers or whoever was behind that movie changed their minds. The thought of Nicolas “the cage match” Cage playing that role almost made me piss my pants. The second thing was there is no way this guy has any money left, and sure as shit I pulled up yahoo and the first thing it says is “Stars in Foreclosure” with a picture of Cage’s ugly face. Turns out the guy has foreclosed on two houses in New Orleans. It’s lovely there; the food alone is worth the trip. I also found out that he has like 10 homes one of which as 12 bedrooms and an island up for sale. I don’t know about you but I was stunned that Nicolas Cage has enough friends to need a house with 12 bedrooms.

-Men

Called It

That’s right I call the Rangers scoring 7 goals on Wednesday night. Now am I the next Nostradamus? I don’t know, maybe I’m certainly not discounting the theory. Matter of fact if I was a betting man that’s where I would be putting a large portion of my chips if not all of them. I mean Nostradamus had like visions and shit, that kind of stuff happens to me all the time. The best part of the night besides being 100% right was my man Mats Zuccarello scored the 7^th goal. When you put this little Norwegian bastard on ice he is a combination of Elijah Wood from Lord of the Rings and Elijah Wood from Green Street Hooligans. I could not have picked a better person to score that goal. The night was not all good though the Rangers scored 7 goals. Which could only mean they shot their load all over the place and probability wont score more then one goal in any of their next 10 games.

-Men

Epic Storytellers of Our Time

Has anyone sat at home and watched the HBO 24/7 series and just thought "shit that dude's voice is fucking awesome and he can be the one to tell of my trials and tribulations at my funeral", cuz I have, a lot. So much so that I have compiled a list of my favorite TV show narrators and have weighed their worthiness to narrate this rock and roll lifestyle which I live.

First off is Liev Schreiber. I bet you didn't though the dude with the epic voiceovers on HBO 24/7 was motherfucking Sabretooth in X-Men and THE Manchurian Candidate (mind-blowing movie). If I'm lucky enough maybe he can brain wash everyone with his tender voice into thinking my life was actually worth something. Now if watching "America: The Story of US" didn't give me a big enough boner, this dudes voice put me over the edge (if you catch my drift...seriously I came in my pants).

Next is the man who simply goes as Raphael, or his real name Lloyd Sherr, which totally sucks and I don't blame him for changing it to Raphael, even though that ninja turtle sucks. You may recognize his voice from the History Channel and his narration of Modern Marvels, the dude has such class that he narrates a show on Viagra and genetically-engineered penises with the same grace as he would talking about mining equipment. Straight up baller.

Finally is Morgan Freeman, epic voice but something is telling me he's not too trustworthy. Did you not see Bruce Almighty and how he played God like a dick? Only if the first two are seriously injured or have from a serious injury can Morgan Freeman narrate my life. I almost feel as if he will narrate it with the professionalism I strive so hard every day to project.

Best Text of the Week

"Im at a bar by the garden for happy hour before the game. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses. Hot. Rangers vs Habs. Slaughter."

From the very talented Dylan Giebler


-Men

Jersey Fucking SHore

Oh my god, it's only the first episode of Jersey Shore this season and can someone make that new bitch bite the curb already? Holy shit this chick is annoying as hell.

Mother Fucking Russia

Earlier this week the Russian junior hockey team won the gold medal in the World Championships beating Canada 5-3. Afterwards was when the real party started, when they showed up at the airport for their flight out of town blackout drunk trying to get on the plane. Some observations:

1. That’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever heard

2. They are so lucky that we won the Cold War because 25 years ago that shit would not fly. Back in the 80s when Reagan was doing his thing and the great U.S. of A was taking down Mother Russia that place sucked. It was cold all the time and they wore those funny looking hats and marched in the streets with rockets and shit. That’s not baller to me. Look how cool Russia is now, they’re getting drunk and kicked off American planes and the girls are so hot that it really wouldn’t be a bad place to take your talents if you’re asking me. We all know who to thank USA, USA, USA.

-Men

Nice tits

Check out this sweet picture of Cliff Lee's wife, tickle my balls anytime.

-Men

Megamillions

So tonight the Megamillions lotto for $355 million goes off again. Here are some ideas for what we here would do with the money...
1. buy new suits with fashion advice from Sean Avery
2. buy the New York Islanders and move them to Puerto Rico
3. buy OJ's white Ford Bronco and drive to the Canadian border
4. buy floor seats for the Knicks and get involved in an altercation with Spike Lee throwing hot dogs at opposing players
5. buy Oakdale and demolish it
6. do something to cause a third Crusade
7. pay models to go on dates with us
8. get blackout drunk at the Victoria's Secret fashion show
9. become a booster for a top college football program and pay recruits to attain as many NCAA violations to deserve the death penalty
10. do it again at another school
11. pay Cam Newton for his Heisman trophy and give it to Reggie Bush
12. fix the World Series
13. buy a baby and flip it for a profit
14. write a book worthy of the Oprah Book Club
15. get rub and tugs
16. bring the Italian mafia back to the glory days
17. own a room specifically for glory holes
18. go to a strip club with Tiger Woods
19. bring our talents to South Beach
20. call LeBron James a mean word (you know what I'm talking about)
21. absorb a punch from LeBron James
22. buy a town and rename it Pipe City
23. trademark Pipe City
24. cure cancer....actually never mind, those are decisions best left up to the suits in Washington
25. buy Hansen a high class escort
26. buy a bar and live our lives like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
27. hire the narrator for HBO's 24/7 to commentate our lives constantly
28. find the book
29. publish the book
30. hangout with Carbone
31. find out who would actually win in a fight, Mike Ditka or Hurricane Ditka
32. find sugar mamas
33. pay for Ed's tuition to go to an SEC school

Why Does Your House Make So Much Noise?

I don't get it, houses make so many random noises even when everyone in the house is asleep. I never know whats going on in the walls. I have realized there are only two times you even notice these random noises or even care about them. The first is when you are home alone in a big house trying to go to sleep. Every little noise is definitely somebody breaking in, or the house is falling down. The only other time, and probably the more severe of the two, that these noises effect you is when you are home with your entire family family asleep and you are trying to make sexy time with a special little lady, especially if you have a dog. Getting caught with your pants down by your mommy is no fun experience, believe you me. All you wanna do is have a teeny bit of consensual sex, but you are home not in your college apartment (thunder dome if you will). The trip to pipe city is a reckless and nerve racking experience due to the cock blocking noises of your home. This is of course a general post and in no way is about a specific moment in history. See you at happy hour.



-Men

People Whose Only Text Message At Midnight On New Years Eve Was Their Mom:

1) Billy Sena
2) James Subin
3) Caroline Meere

Worst Jobs For Stoners

1) Drug Dealer
2) Air Traffic Controller
3) Bp Oil Rig Technician
4) Buckingham Palace Guard
5) Bee Keeper
6) Princess Diana's Driver........too soon?


-Men

Bathroom attendants

Without question the one thing I hate most in life is when bars have that dude in the bathroom handing out paper towels for when you wash your hands. It’s always the same dude too, this midget Mexican guy who is working seven days a week getting paid only with tips so he can bring his family to this country and get them out of that shit hole they live in. You feel so bad for this guy that you have to tip him, and I have a hard enough time tipping a bartender for making me wait 15 minutes for a beer because I don’t have tits. Why do you even need these guys? I’m 21 years old I think I know how to wash my hands without someone watching me to make sure I’m doing it right. The only real reason for these guys is to make sure you don’t have people blowing chunks all over the place, which sucks because that’s limiting your ability to get violently drunk and truly enjoy an open bar. Last night the bar I was at had one of these jabronis, now I’m not going to say what color his skin was but he was really, really lazy. Dude sat there on his phone all night like he was hot shit and too good to be there… bro you work in a fucking bathroom, it smells like shit get off your high horse and stop judging me for not tipping your broke ass it’s not my fault you didn’t make it to the NBA.

-Men